


Putt-Putt Problems

by Joji_Sada



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, Multi, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-25
Updated: 2007-10-25
Packaged: 2018-10-01 13:33:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10190960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joji_Sada/pseuds/Joji_Sada
Summary: There is only one way to end the Darkest War in History...A Game of Golf.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Disclaimer:** These characters are owned by J.K. and associates. 

**A/N:** This has been hitting me in the head for some time and it is just meant to be funny. No seriousness can be derived from this. Enjoy and please review. Thanks.

**** **** **** ****

Harry threw the paper down in shock. If someone had told him a few hours ago what he would find buried in the back of the library, he would have committed him to St. Mungo’s. Now, however, he would be unable to as the proof was lying on the table.

Tom Marvolo Riddle had been….a golf champion. 

There, on the paper, stood a young Tom Riddle in zany plaid golf pants and the little bonnet golfer hat with a puff ball on top. He was being rewarded the “Golfer Achievement Award” for being the most dedicated student golfer and the only one in history to get sixteen holes in one in one game.

_‘Huh…’_ Harry just couldn’t find the words to express the irony. The Dark Lord Voldemort—Mr. I-Have-A-Stick-Up-My-Ass—had been a school golfer. 

Unfortunately, it was just one more thing to add to the growing list of things he and the Dark Lord had in common.

_Abused, shitty childhood_  
Lithe body types  
Black hair  
Extraordinarily powerful  
Orphans  
Both their parents were killed by Tom  
They both love Golf 

Creepy, huh?

Well, on a high note, Harry had his solution. Now he knew how to end this war and leave the Wizarding World in one piece.

Golf.

**** **** **In Tom’s Lair; Somewhere Outside of Japan** **** ****

Harry sat down calmly, well aware the he was in Voldemort’s stronghold. Said Dark Lord happened to be sitting across from him, staring.

“Alright, I have to ask, why is your lair in Japan?” Harry started.

“How long did it take you to find me?” Tom countered.

“Not long because of our connection but I would have never looked here.”

“Exactly.”

“Alright, you made your point. Second, why was I not killed on sight.”

“I told them not to. I wanted to hear you out before I gutted you and mounted you on my wall.”

“I love you too Tom.” Harry smiled. “I have a proposition for you. I want a showdown with only you and me and loser will back down forever, never to create an uprising so long as they live. Sound fair?”

“What is the showdown?”

“Golf.” Harry smirked.

“And why would I be interested in that when I could just kill you where you stand?”

“A) You can’t kill me as I have proven time and time again; B) this will be much more entertaining; and C) because of this.” He threw down the article he had saved from the library.

“…” Tom picked up the paper and stared at his younger self. What it would feel like to be that happy again.

“You know you want to. You look happy in that picture and if I hadn’t known you now I would have never guessed that was you. I love golf. You love golf. Let’s play golf.” Harry said.

“I assume there are bylaws.”

“Yes. We will call a truce for the entire day of the game. There is no sabotaging of each other. We cannot use magic to interfere and our magic will become inactive once on the green. The winner cannot kill the loser and the loser must back down indefinitely. If these rules are violated, the person loses their magic and is banished into the Muggle world until they die. Clear?”

Tom thought over the proposal. It had been many a year since he had even thought of golf, what with taking over the world and all. “The game will take place in three months time.”

Harry agreed and produced the contract. Each of them signed it and it disappeared in a puff of smoke to the Magical Records Office. “Alright Tom. I will see you in three months.” With that, he disappeared back to Hogwarts to await Game Day.

**** **** **Three Months Later; Golden Green Putt-Putt Golf** **** ****

Harry stood waiting for Tom, ignoring the looks from the people around them. He had dressed in his favorite brown and blue plaid pants and white polo. Today would be his lucky day.

The Dark Lord showed up in his lovely green and yellow plaid pants, pink polo shirt, and the same “bonnet” he’d had back in school. After all, they were his lucky clothes.

“Potter, why on Earth are we at a Putt-Putt course?”

“I figured it would be more challenging.” Harry shrugged.

“And getting the ball through a windmill is challenging?”

“Yes.”

 

**20 Minutes Later; Hole 3**

 

“God damn Giraffe. How the hell are you supposed to get the ball up the neck and down the other side? *&!@.” 

Harry smothered a laugh, “I thought Putt-Putt wasn’t difficult.”

“Stuff it Potter, your turn will come.”

“Yea, if you ever hit the ball.” Harry mumbled.

“What was that Potter?”

_No one saw the Amber haired man hiding a few feet away with his wand pointed at the Dark Lord_

 

**30 Minutes Later; Hole 8**

 

“Why won’t it work?”

“I told you your turn would come.”

“Shut up Tom. I don’t know why my ball won’t move.”

“Maybe you should hit it?”

Harry glared at Tom but didn’t say a word.

_This time it was a Blonde haired man who seemed to be smirking in the direction of the two “golfers.”_

 

**5 Minutes Later; Hole 8 (Still)**

 

“I told you so.”

“Stuff it Potter.”

“That was not very creative. I think you are losing your touch.”

“I’ll show you creative.” He mumbled, followed by a string of explicits that would make a drunkard blush.

 

**Sometime Later; Last Hole**

 

“I don’t know what to say. We were both off our game tonight.”

“You wish Potter.”

“Alright Mr. I-Had-Trouble-With-The-Windmill-And-the-Clown-And-The-Giraffe-And-Every-Other-God-Damn-Hole-Here. You weren’t so hot.”

“I could say the same for you.”

“Whatever.”

“Just tally the scores.”

“Fine.”

**A Few Minutes Later…**

“It seems we tied. Though, the chances of that seem almost nil. Oh well, do you wish to call a rematch?” Harry asked. He knew he was good but this was just ridiculous.

“No, I think it should be deemed a tie.”

“What does that mean for the Wizarding World?”

“You could rule with me like I offered you all those years ago.”

“I will not allow the mindless killing and torture to continue. It is not right.” Harry fumed.

“Then, how about we compromise.”

“How so…”

“Details, details. Leave those for now. Let’s play some more golf.”

So they did, walking out onto the green, plaid pants and all.

And that is how the darkest war in centuries came to an end.


End file.
